Sleep is restless.
I sweat, feel my rabbit heart pounding in my ears. I don’t think I know who I am anymore.
I have de-constructed myself over the years. Pulled out all of my thoughts, examined them, examined myself and then re-examined the world. I feel lost in a confused inertia, plagued by doubts, by fears, by uncertainty.
I fill my brain, my heart, my lungs, my gut, my soul, with garbage. It dulls the slow throb of time; that is it dulls the slow throb of decay.
The world is an inexplicable thing to me now. I feel myself as part of the heartbeat of drumming life, the steady cadence of civilization rising and falling.
I’m not depressed, just aware. Acceptance has taken its time settling in. Hence the “garbage”.
I haven’t been writing much. I don’t have much to contribute other than confusion and dismay at the world around me.
I find my self of two minds. Burn it down. Build it up.
I think the same thoughts about my own life.

It is such a struggle to be fearless. I’ve always been a burner. I’ve never really been a builder. It’s a thought that gives me pause and has me questioning everything I thought I believed in. And the only thing I’m certain of at this point, is that I must proceed forward. And master my fears.

Alice came to a fork in the road. “Which road do I take?” she asked.
“Where do you want to go?” responded the Cheshire cat.
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.”
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Troubled Thoughts.

There are no words to express any given feeling. Sometimes words are useless. To find a word that described a feeling perfectly, would be akin to destroying it, or sealing it away in some box, in some dark place within yourself.

I grew up thinking I knew who I was but I never knew a thing. It is frightening to realize this, at this age, when I am old enough to marry or be a mother or have an amazing career. It puts you in a tailspin of sorts. And suddenly, you question the validity of everything. What is real and what is not?

If I could divorce myself of my body for 5 fucking minutes, I could have peace and clarity, and I could carry that with me for the rest of my life.

Is it possible for the human animal to be happy? Or are we too unevolved as of yet. So unevolved that we need to invent angst and bullshit issues to pollute our lives. Stupid drama in our relationships and at work. If we no longer have day to day survival to worry about, then we must invent these things to overcome. Imaginary problems. What are we working for anyway? Does anyone care enough to actually do anything about any of this?????

It’s not healthy or natural for people to be the way they are today. In fact, it’s more like our lives are a sick, evil perversion of what they should be. People talk about how much man has progressed since (s)he first appeared on this planet but progressing toward what? How can I look around me and see so much pain and suffering on a daily basis, and think that’s progress? How can I look at this planet and how close we are coming to destroying it and think that’s good. Are destruction, death, poverty, obesity, pollution, violence and disease…all by-products of progress? Why is it better to live surrounded by sky scrapers and concrete, rather than trees and earth? It’s such a joke. We’re ruining everything.  

Someday I’ll leave all of this behind.  I know I’ll have to, if I want to live and be happy.

From Someone Who Is Not Quite Herself

We’re always splitting, splitting like atoms

Illusion’s lustrous painting, ever changing.

Life is waning through our fingertips

Interwoven strands are straining

The breeze is taking me away piece by piece

Unstacking against the menacing sky

I hear the other worldly chorus sing

The train is thundering up from hell, can you hear the

Wailing sirens call the time? And it’s running running running

running out for me.”

But in this room we’ll bide that time

Watch it well but it’s still escaping

Up the walls and out the door we’re waiting…

…Waiting until we hear the call of nothing,

Which sounds vaguely like a star, imploding.


Just took the most bizarre personality test ever, only to be surprised by the accuracy of it, at least in my opinion.  Here were my results:   

You have a poetic sensibility and an ability to see beyond the day to day. You often seem to be living in a higher realm, or to be not-of-this-earth. Occasionally you imagine interior lives for friends and associates that are near-complete fabrications based on your fears or hopes for the future. You are often not aware of your own feelings. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and because of this are often disappointed. Despite what can sometimes be a destructive inward-turning anger, you are very gentle. You are sometimes a bit out of touch with the ebb and flow of modern life. If your behavior is out of synch with your moral values, a severe psychic disturbance can result. Because connectivity is so important to you, you can become quiet and sulky if you feel that others around do not understand your point of view. 

You can take the test here:  http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

On the night of March 27th, my dear friend Scott McKinnon took his own life.  He had painstakingly planned the entire thing out, leaving money to account for all expenses, selling and getting rid of everything that he owned, boxing up items he wanted sent to friends, and even buying cleaning supplies for his apartment, to be cleaned in the aftermath. He left money and a gift card for whoever would end up caring for his cat, whom he loved like a daughter.   He spent a couple of nights in a hotel room in the days before, and then mailed out the letters that would be received by his friends and family just a day too late.  I opened mine the night of March 28th and could not get past the first few sentences.  Truthfully, I feel traumatized.

Today, I went down to Eugene with coworker, who has decided to take the cat.  I walked through his apartment, which is already completely cleaned and empty, save one lone mattress.  I met his family, marveling at the resemblance between them, searching their faces for my friend, the closest that I’d get to seeing him again.  I kept imagining, all the while, him strolling out of his apartment, with a smile on his face.  I could still hear the sound of his voice, and I can’t imagine that I’ll ever forget it.  It’s still unbelievable to me that he is gone.

Scott and I had a very natural relationship.  We easily became fast friends, and there was always a very real emotional intimacy between us.  In many ways, we were very much alike, which makes his death all the more frightening and shocking for me.  Scott was there for me in some very dark hours.  I try not to think about what would have happened to me, had he not been in my life during those times.  I am sure it would be grim.  His friendship, wisdom, and kindness helped me evolve as a person, in more ways than I think he ever knew. 

It is hard for me to imagine  this gentle, non-violent man walking down to the park, and shooting himself.  I try to imagine where exactly he put the gun, and what thoughts were going through his head.  Was he scared in those last seconds?  Was he really ready to stop existing?  Did he know how much people would mourn and miss him?  It almost makes me angry. I feel like I’ve been fooled and the joke is cruel indeed.  And yet…I knew my friend.  He would want me to see the truth of his death.  Looking back, I suppose this ending fits his story the most logically.  He felt trapped and frustrated with this life.  The hand he was dealt, wasn’t winning.  He folded.  And he left a message behind, that I am still trying to process and get through. 

Yes, I know that Valentines Day is the biggest B.S. holiday of them all.  But this guy makes my heart go squish, and I love him.  So whatever. 

Yes, I know that Valentines Day is the biggest B.S. holiday of them all.  But this guy makes my heart go squish, and I love him.  So whatever. 

Wake-Up Call, pt. 1

I used to think Utopia was impossible.  I used to discount it purely on the basis that human nature would prevent it…and also because I grew up believing in the Judeo-Christian tenants, that man is essentially depraved and evil.   In fact, now that I am no longer blinded by the illusions that man-made religion holds as truth, I can now have MORE faith in mankind.  But let me tell you, it’s still not easy to have hope for humanity.  Every day, I hear and read stories about horrible, depraved people killing each other, killing the planet, being sadistic and cruel.  Sometimes I wish the end would come, some kind of apocalypse or at least a revolution that would make it easier to start over, for those who survive.  In a way, it’s sad to wish for such a thing, because it’s almost like taking the easy way out. 

But the end is coming.  This is undeniable.  We have built our current lives on false premises, greed, and gluttony.  Our money is worthless, and we are in trillions of dollars of debt that can never be re-paid.  Fossil fuels are disappearing and we will soon no longer be able to afford them at all.  There doesn’t seem to be a plan in place that will ease the dramatic fall and change in lifestyle that will soon be occurring.  My generation especially, is going to be hit hard, because most of us don’t know the true meaning of hard work.  We don’t have to toil in fields or slaughter our own food.  We have just about everything we could want or need, at our fingertips, at the moment.  But that will soon change.

There is no way to avoid what is coming.  What worries me, is the way that we relate to each other currently.  I firmly believe it needs to change.  All we have is each other.  I personally believe that life is about relationships of all kinds, because that is what gives life real value.  Only now, do I see that believing in the goodness of people, and our amazing ability to love and care for each other, is the most important thing a person can have faith in.  I have to believe that most of us will band together and work hard together, and build real and lasting relationships with one another, based on the knowledge that we will die, if we go it alone.  I think in fact, that the coming cataclysm, will really get people back on track, and help them see how important this is.  Right now we have the luxury of having frivolous, loveless relationships with one another, where emotional games and abuse are the norm.  Soon, we will not be able to afford this way of relating to one another.  All around me, I see people using and abusing each other, often in non-physical ways, but abuse none-the less.  I have been guilty of it too.  Life has become cheap and boring for so many of us, that this kind of abuse of people, is almost like entertainment.  It keeps things interesting.  But it is hurtful and wrong.  Things need to change.  We need to instigate that change, starting now.

I realize that many of you will think that I am over-simplifying, and generalizing a lot, and perhaps you are right to some extent.  But I tend to think that we over-complicate things and confuse the issue pretty often. 

More to come later…

Nerd Alert:  Just took a couple of “which ASOFAI character are you” quizzes and got Bran on both.  He is one of my favorites and when I really think about it, of all the characters in the novels, he probably is the one that I feel the most similar to, personality-wise.

Twilight Sucks.

It sort of worries me when I hear so many adults praising the Twilight books and films as great, awesome, exciting etc…

Twilight is dumbed down fun, at best. Yes I have read them, and seen the movies. The story is mediocre and might as well have been written by for a five year old. Nothing really bad happens and there are no real risks. It is sweet and sugary and the love story has absolutely no basis in reality. I did not hold my breath as the volturri descended on forks, and I’m not going to hold it waiting for Stephenie Meyer to grow up as a story teller either.

Just my opinion though.